DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

As I am enjoying the family of cardinals swiftly landing and taking off from our bird feeder, I am officially announcing my Declaration of Dependence. This declaration does not come easily - anything but - and is not taken lightly. But, I believe it needs to be formally declared as a part of my multifaceted healing process. 

A little over one month ago, I had foot and achilles surgery. It was a very tough decision to make, however, I realized how much the pain was impacting not only my ability to participate in any kind of fitness routine, but also my daily activities. After much discussion with my surgeon, I felt complete and total confidence and trust in him and the decision which does not always come easily for me. All went well with the surgery and I have followed the post-surgery instructions to the tee. The pain has been much less than anticipated, though I understand with my PT (physical “terrorist”) sessions, that will soon change. But I am ready. Ready to get to the other side of this and live out my remaining time on this earth to the fullest.

That said…beyond the physical, I have experienced a good amount of mental and emotional anguish that I had not anticipated. I’m not even sure that reading more about this or learning various coping mechanisms would’ve changed anything - though I have certainly learned the advantage of using a few of those. A requirement for recovery from this procedure is to remain in a non-weight bearing position for a minimum of 4-5 weeks. I’m sure this can sound like a vacation to many overworked and overcommitted individuals who would love a chance to be prescribed endless hours of rest and relaxation with an elevated leg. All the hours of TV watching, book reading, journal writing a person could ever ask for. No more prepping and cooking meals, no household cleaning and chores, no errand running, no appointments - none of that. Did you just smile a little at the thought of that? I’m sure I would have done the same thing.

Life is full of ironies and surprises, isn’t it? I’ll admit I have some ‘control freak’ tendencies. And although I have received and am due more than a little teasing about this, I believe we all have this to some degree. We like things done, especially our things, a certain way. We have become comfortable with our way of accomplishing the task at hand, discovering what works well and what doesn’t - most importantly in my opinion the quickest and most efficient manner to get it done without sacrificing the quality (emphasized for possible reference later). 

I interrupt this rant for an important, necessary, and quite sincere announcement: I am extremely grateful for all of the time, energy, generosity, and patience from my caregivers.

I love continuity, reliability, “sameness,” predictability…you get the idea. I have learned you can have zero amount of those things during a time when you are totally dependent on others. They by no means intend to insult you or your ways of doing things, and their goal, of course, is to provide comfort and happiness - many times at the expense of their own. This requires a tremendous amount of humility (and silence) on the part of the person being cared for. What’s the expression…”you take what you get and you don’t pitch a fit?” You can pray, pray all day, read countless books and articles, listen to podcasts, but nothing can prepare you for this time of trial. (I know, I’m being overdramatic.)

It isn’t an easy thing for me to ask for things and to ask for help. I feel the constant need to overuse I’m sorry, please, thank you, I hate to ask, when you have a chance, etc. I know it’s important to have an attitude of gratitude at all times, but when you need help, at all times, it can seem insincere or definitely overdone. I feel as if I need to start each day with a blanket, “I humbly wish to express that I am incredibly grateful, and also apologize for the amount of trouble and effort I will be putting you through this day. You deserve the golden crown of caregiving.” I know it sounds facetious, but I truly feel this way. But after saying these things 30 times a day or more, the speaker and the listener start simultaneously gritting their teeth.

With a lot of time to think about things, about my life in general, I realize I feel safer when I’m in control of things. This is borne out of the fear of things not being or doing what I’m expecting them to be or do. One of the things I have had much time to ponder is AI. I have so very many mixed feelings about this latest amazing development in technology. I have seen firsthand how helpful it can be, especially at a time when I am asking everyone everywhere for help. It is hard to be so vulnerable. Yet, I can and do trust my caregivers, family, and friends implicitly. But, more and more it seems our world and the information we receive in it is not reliable information. Even in some of the advertisements and videos, those individuals may or may not be the people you think they are. They may not even be real, but actually AI generated “people.” This, and of course the messages they present as “real” and what that could possibly lead to, is terrifying to me. When I was a child, one of my consistent nightmares was my mother or another loved one suddenly becoming someone or something different than I had always known and loved - a stranger - with me having no idea what happened to the person known and loved by me. I thought this was the scariest dream anyone could ever have. Again being maybe a little overdramatic, it seems that this is actually happening now. Or very well could be.

With choices in daytime television lacking in entertainment value, I have discovered some channels that offer reruns of very old television shows - many before I was born. Two of these that I have rather enjoyed are Zorro and The Lone Ranger. As most of you know, both of these characters use a mask. Zorro is a regular, mild-mannered guy until he discovers a catastrophe of sorts that requires his magical transformation (in the back room) into the masked hero who makes things right again and rides off on his horse into the night, with everyone able to get a better night’s sleep. The Lone Ranger never breaks character - he is only known as the “masked man,” who again does good for everyone, conquers crime, a hero who is always there to do the right thing at the right time. Now, while this too may seem scary coming unannounced, what a wonderful thought! Imagine how much we could use one of those heroes right now - someone we could trust to do the right thing. Someone who could be as trustworthy and reliable for the wellbeing of all as are each and every one of my well-wishers and caregivers. What a world. 

In this current state of depending so much on others, I have no idea how to repay what I have received. And I certainly don't believe that is expected. But it has given me pause to think about how I represent myself and if I am indeed giving out of love. Am I who I say I am…showing love, concern, and generosity to others with or without a mask, expecting nothing in return? We are fully reliant and dependent on God, but God is also depending on us to show God’s unconditional outpouring of love and care for each other. It seems to me we have to show it to recognize it, and we need to be the “real” thing others can look to in a broken, sometimes “unreal” world.